i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
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Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
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I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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