how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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