You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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