and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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