dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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