Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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