I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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