Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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