i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
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I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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