I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
