our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
