Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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