You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
