coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.