The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy