I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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