I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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