I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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