I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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