I have demons in me.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
