I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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