I'm so fucking centered right now
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
