Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
