sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
