While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
