i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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