did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My penis needs a shock collar
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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