this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
