saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
