Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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