I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
