I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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