He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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