dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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