i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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