sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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