Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
