Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
