Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize