Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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