I just pynch a tree in the face
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
MIDGETS
????
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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