you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
