he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
