Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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