Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
