i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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