i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
