don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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