She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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