i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
