If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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