I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
two words: eviction party
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
