After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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