Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
