Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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