upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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