I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
